January 5, 2025 am

 I’ve had a bad couple days just for some odd reason. My emotions have been over the top of that being said I was getting sick and tired of the New Year’s and Christmas. It sounds like I’m a Scrooge but really I’m not a Scrooge. I’m just trying to go on with my life by the time the 31st comes I don’t really care too much about The holidays nor do I care too much about the snow that being said it was not a very good couple of days for me I’ve been getting very angry and getting my panties in a twist. If you know what I mean because of the situations that were the case One was, I was not being patient enough. The other was because I was not going to go out when I wanted to go out there being said, I was gonna accuse someone of being sexist! And that was just for the front of it because I was just angry at the time but I didn’t know why I was angry until someone said. I think you know why you’re angry and I know why too and I said well it’s pretty r*tarded that people practice sexism! that accusation obviously was unfounded. I don’t know accuse the actual person prove that to their face because I knew that would be an attack to them, but I did not say very much. That was the latest because it was just in the ass annoying experience being said, I was not very happy about the idea not going to a certain store when I wanted to go I was one and when I was impatient it involve another store. It wouldn’t open clearly in time for me to get a response on Facebook and I was acting like a complete and outer shit head! so this hasn’t been the best week or five days at least since the ball drop it hasn’t and it kinda doesn’t exactly help that there was and I don’t blame the current events for my mood, but I guess I detected something was one the attack happening in New Orleans these things affect my mood because of my psychic abilities. I say I’m more psychic and empathic than anything else that being said one of these tragedies happen for no reason and they happen they affect my mood whether I see them coming or not. That being said I don’t see them coming. The same thing happened to me a month before and a month after 911 where I was completely at a little shit!  That being said, my mom was very worried about me on August and October 2001 that was 24 years ago 24 years now same damn thing I made a lot of anxious people because of some stores not being open but really something was pulling the strings I don’t know why but these certain events are not very good for my society and they end up ruining more than a few days that being said, I could not imagine being one of the victims or their family and what kind of crap they have to go through because of this giblet head!   I don’t like using a current event as my excuse, but it was affecting my mood because there was more than one person involved or affect that being said I can feel it even though I was in New Orleans. It was still affecting me up in Canada. That is the only thing I can think of because the same damn thing happened 24 years ago on September I was a complete little rack my self. I was not myself!  

You when I act out of order because of whatever this is usually a sign that something is not right in the world something had happened close to where I live whether be in the states or Canada I can tell you that when the parliament buildings were attacked by one other giblet how do you imagine that I was going through Emotional strife at that time as well and it was kind of hard for me to cope at the time and then damn this incident happened and where he you can imagine what he did that being said I was not a very happy camper for a long while!  It is as if these incidents not my behavior, but these influence psychically have an ability to affect my ability to concentrate and be rational, almost as if there’s something that’s tugging at my brain and my heart strings for the victims but then again I don’t know how to explain it or anything like that. It’s kind of unusual, but I heard of many people acting unusual before. The September 11 on 2001!   That being said, it was kind of unusual, but those people were spiritually gifted. I don’t even wanna get into this, but that’s basically what it was and I was no different from the people who said they were acting irrational at that time before or after!

Moving forward, the day is doing a lot better, but as I said, I’m still a little peeved about God knows what is going on in my head at this time. I’m still a little peeved still out of character and it’s gonna take a while for that to change. I have to do something to fast forward that so I ended up taking sound baths!  Basically a sound bath is where they do random sounds to help you heal mental or Spiritually is kind of like Microdosing, but without the goddamn drugs that are being said, it’s a lot better it with sound instead of drugs you still have to hallucinate!  And here is what I saw during my second sound bath!

When I put on the sound bath that was from YouTube, I ended up immediately finding that every time the guy rang the bell. I knew he was ringing a bell that there was a bright star that would flicker really bright white light and then the next thing you know, I would almost be blind and by the damn thing!  Also, there was a lot of blotches of color, particularly white, yellow, orange, purple, and blues that being said soon enough, these things started to become eyes that were blinking whenever I “blinked” and that was kind of unusual as well cause I’ve never been surrounded by a bunch of eyeballs or eyes and a particular dream or in this case of sound hallucination that’s what sound baths do is that they cause these visions anyways so that being said, I ended up finding out that not only were these eyes staring at me, but then I saw one guy turned to his right laughing, turning into the laughing that he was crying because he saw horrible people who were probably in the hellfire that being said on the left, and on the right, he was seeing the good people who were in paradise. That being said, I also found myself being short to space like my body was being beamed out of my body and going into space.

Like I was being projected in a space that being said that was one thing the other thing I had seen, and this was a big thing was I was orbiting a star by soul and body and mine altogether or orbiting the star. It was not our son it was a star. It had one planet on it. I don’t know what the name of that exoplanet was, but all I know was that I saw the star that I was ordering along with this planet that was also orbiting the star it was kind of unusual. I don’t know how to explain it to be honest with you!

And then I saw something that was unusual. I was going around this planet as I mentioned in the above paragraph and found that I was being plucked from the orbit and then I saw what looked like an old man with a booming voice that big said also my nose was itchy during  this whole sound bath vision! anyways old man he look like a friendlier person like Santa Claus but he was in robes and stuff. He was a very nice guy. I don’t know what that was about. Was that a supernatural Anthony I didn’t know but anyways you’re gonna think I’m a fucking nut case and then I’m off my rocker! But I am not I’m just simply in a world that sound created. It was kind of unusual and then I saw just plain white light like as if it was white out conditions if you ever driven in winter, you know what that’s like!

Then I saw the creator of the universe. You’re probably gonna think I’m fucking nuts again.  But this was a white giant entity that did not have a face so I cannot draw this particular even if I did some religions one thing I  blasphemed for drawing this entity it’s kind of unusual that I saw this entity. It was kind of unusual that this was the creator of the universe. If you must say oh whatever you must call it it was kind of unusual. He didn’t say very much he was a quiet fellow, but it was unusual nonetheless and then I was back to ordering this damn star yet again and I also saw the sun up close why did I see the sun up close? I don’t know what I’ll be figuring that one out one day!

It was a real cosmic adventure. The last time I did go to a sound Bath in person everything was green tone  in my “hallucination!”  That being said that there for me, but this baffles me every time now that I think about it last night sound bath!  This time I did not hear or see green at least that was the small mercy of that because green is not my favourite color. Why did I see that colour in my first sound bath was because first of my healer, I am being healed, also I believe in security!   That’s why I saw a green in my first sound bath, but the sound bath was very unusual. I must tell you!

This might sound like I am going insane but I am not……try a sound bath and see what comes up!

December 31, 2024

 This I must say is I hate Facebook groups with a passion because of the hater ass comments you get and the fact that people will literally decline your really tasteful and very nice post for no fucking reason except to be an asshole.   This being said I am going to say this I am pissing some people off right now, but this is because I’m kind of getting a little angry with the first. There was some hater ass comments on the Jaw harp group that these white people thought they were better at me because they were white and stuff like that mainly because they were white and I was Asian they treated me like a complete piece of shit! and told me I wasn’t good enough, which was kind of hurtful to be honest with you to hear that kind of shit to be honest with you. I do not take racism very kindly nor do I do with cyber bullying sorry but if you’re gonna get pissed off wait until the next damn post because I’m not gonna bother with that hurting anyone’s feelings or not hurting anyone’s feelings at this point because I’m kind of mad and then some other hater ass bitch ended up, deciding she was going to decline my post because it was not of a certain type of hand pan that being said you could imagine how pissed off I was going to be and how angry I was getting at this point I don’t think I will be doing any more Facebook groups to be honest with you unless they run by me because these are really hateful and hateful sons of bitches and bastards and what have you bitches and studs whatever you wanna say them!

With that being said, I try not to have any hatred toward my fellow humans but this case when you think your skin colour is better than someone else’s and that they are basically your inferior because of their skin colour and facial structure and all that jazz well I’m sorry that kind of pisses me off to know and and then when I make a nice video and I really did make a nice video and I think it was the one that went viral on YouTube That being said, give me some slack for Christ sake it went viral on YouTube so it should be able to be liked elsewhere, but no, you have to be an asshole to be not letting me have my chance so you end up spoiling it for everyone else I kind of foreign this is very aggravating in this case it would be considered cyber bullying not just in the fact that it was online, but they were discriminative against me and they were really pointing their noses down at me and stuff and they were saying very hurtful thing and very terrible things. It wasn’t just they were not allowing me to partake in anything. It was the fact that they have not like an Asian person being better than their fucking white ass hater ass bastards. I know I’m gonna get in trouble for this, but I’m kind of angry at this point in time Because well it’s annoying to be honest with you and I’m trying not to get angry online. The people who are offending me, but it’s kind of hard not to do that when they’re being a pain in my ass!

That being said, I could take a bad comment here and there but not all on the same fucking day that’s one. The other one is I don’t like racism so you can literally guess how live I am at this and I’m very angry because it’s like well you should say no black no Jews no Asians no whatever else is human in your fucking groups because I far this is kind of asinine to be honest with you!   

I am sorry if I am sharp, but I have been very drizzled and jilted this past few days on fucking Facebook because I don’t wanna go up to their standards. I don’t even know what the hell of standards are. They said set a rules and I mean, I keep my clothing on and everything that being said if they said more specifically, what the fuck they were, I could’ve avoided that group right away, but they had to be a pain in my ass to begin with to annoy me and probably other human beings, who are bipoc:  Black indigenous people of colour that’s what that means and the fact that we are the ones that get marginalized and a lot of these groups is kind of I’m sorry to say this not as kind of ridiculous to be honest killing you. I wish I could say the slur that means stupid, but I’d rather not even go there!

I am pretty certain that the human race is evolving very much so whoever is evolving gets dragged down with it. I wish I don’t wanna talk about this any longer so thank you!

December 29, 2024 late pm

So I went to the recycling center..... and I will be dipped if it's ever open on a fucking Sunday in the fuckibg winter. It felt lime early spring  and it was nice out despite the fog going away.    That was when I was told by a big Boeing 373 that it was open.    What a crock of shit.  That was as that this was could not be further from the truth.    But......but I must say that I heart that same person wants to take me to a "book box" (little free library!).   I usually find good stuff in those but not all the time. But for the most part you get lucky. That being said I love going to little free library's. ...    at least the are open on a fucking Sunday.   But I must say I went to Tim Hortons with a bunch of friends and I got an ice cap.  They are soooi fucking good that you cannot not get brain freeze.   Who ever doesn't get brain freeze from and ice cap is usually a sociopath or psychopath.   It is just that same you either like them or not.    I obviously love these.      So we drove around and then one friends pants were green.   It triggered a memory of a sound bath that I went to with another friend.   M.   That being said I saw  to much green in my sound bath hallucinations that it was making me wonder ....... why green tone.   It was during the 2024 eclipse and I saw it through the window at  ball hockey.  That was before the sound bath.   During said sound bath I just saw everything in this annoying colour of a pine green.    The next day I went on my phone and asked when green in hallucinations means.....it means bith or either the person is undergoing healing  and /or is a healer and a protector.   That being, I always wanted to work in the CATSA/TSA for the longest time.    That I am a shaman who was and still is healing from her past.   That being said I am still healing from a shitty past.  I wish to tell what happened to me but it is kind of unbelievable to hear.    That time I looked up pine green the vision literally the sound bath served my ass and my purpose in life to me an a silver plate.  

I wish to do another sound bath and I wanted to see what other colors in my soul.  That being I wanted to know more about my spiritual mindset.     

The one thing about see green In any hallucination at this or by drugs( I don't do drugs)   because to me: winners don't use drugs and drugs are stupid when you can hallucinate off of sound.    

This was when of my glimmers as i was able to remember everything fondly about the sound bath.    

And surprise surprise..... I want another sound bath!

December 29, 2024 pm

This is supposed to be nasty looking day that could not be any more untrue!   I as I love foggy and eerie looking days!      That being said I was allay one for. A creepy looking day over a (sometime sunny day). That being said  when I was getting my muffin I saw the fog and a thought it looked nice and eerie!  That being said I don’t know how long this beauty will last for it will be bending when ever!  But anywho I thing that the Christmas decorations will be going  down that being said it is kind of depression as I like the Christmas lights!  That being said the atmosphere of this Errie day is similar to to the second Lord of the rings movie where they ended up going into a lot of foggy and dark looking places I don’t know why some people would say that this would be a dreary day when you may think it might be something else completely beautiful in the first place that being said there is this call where Tim Burton says that 

One man’s crazy is another man’s reality!

Which is so true!   Some people would think I am nuts to enjoy this weather and how eerie it looks but I it’s nice to me!  Well at least I don’t have to drive in it so I can’t really despise these weather and how bleakly beautiful it looks!  To be honest.   It remains me of the two towers, as in the lord of the rings book and movie (#2).   If you have not seen lord or read lord of the rings the skip this!   

In the second Lord of the rings are two towers. I remember that the golem or whatever whoever he is, he says precious ends up sticking his head in a some “ water” gets grabbed in and sees these zombie Like ghosts!  It is kind of scary but entertaining and then re emerges form the water terrified!   

This being said I find that this hits home to me because I believe in such things: ghosts!  That being said that seen wa sa haunted memory for me because it was exactly when I was 9 = thought ghosts look like!  Almost like mummies!  But really when I think of the ghost now they look like the person you are missing instead of a mummy!  That being said I find that this interesting as at point I saw my mother at the corner of my eye and then turn or do a double take and she would be gone!  That. Was just her way of showing that she still supports me in my life even though she can’t be there anymore it was her way of I am still hear!  

When I was a kid, I remember this correctly,  for one I remember talking about ghosts a lot and it was very interesting to me and then I also remember whenever my niece and nephew came over that we would go into the forest to see if there’s any ghost in the forest. I was the lucky one to see them myself. It’s something that is unusual, but it was something that they tried to imagine the ghost but they couldn’t. I was able to see them without any  problem!  It really sparked my imagination and still does to this day!  I find that people are not really “gone” from life until they decided to move on!   That being said  I remember seeing the ghost of my my child hood dog, Jennifer, and seeing other spooky apporiations  at least I was not like smeagle, now I fucking remember the name is the bozo who stuck his head in the ghost water on lord of the rings #2!  That was my favourite part other than the burning eye of Sauron!  This is getting me ideas to read the lord of the rings that being said!   I have the hobbit and lord of the rings books!  And I intend on reading them today!  If I don’t go to the recycling Center!  That being said I had these books since my birthday, 35th birthday and I need  to read them before ever getting the movies and watching them again!  

I had also spread similirian sorry if I crapped on the spelling but that is about the history of middle earth and the this jewler!  Who does the stones!  It was an interesting fair!  I want to read that one too…..again!  You might think I am a nerd  and yes I am a fucking nerd!

That being said I co founded 7 different social media platforms with my friend from the USA!  That being said I never meet this person in person but fear not she is no catfish or scammer!  She is actually a real decent human who have talked to for over get this ten years or so!  That being said said we have two YouTube channels and the nerd platforms that we run!  I also came up with the social media platforms names every time I go to basket basketball!  I go to the Special Olympics basketball in my respected Town that I live in and then I end up playing basketball for quite some time. One of the basketball ended up going in the net one time that gave me a brain wave for a social media site where I would end up running it and it would be called Nena that is what I have now it’s the most successful one I have thus far!  I don’t know why but my most famous ideas came from special olymp Olympics basketball!     I don’t know if it is the endorphins or what that being said it gives me good ideas creativity wise!    Strange but true from the girl (non-binary) who didn’t play sports as a kid!  Hmmmmmmm

December 29, 2024 am

 So I did something stupid this morning after I did my last post that being said I was annoyed with the dream I had because of said stupid act!   This act you are wondering would be the case of me leaving cobra Kai on when I was going to sleep that was kind of a bad influence on my brain as this caused me to wake up in a heat of terror!  Yes I heat of terror For the simple fact was that I left it on and I didn’t realize it when I was in the deep sleep then I fell asleep and had a dream and then every time I would hear a character from the cobra Kai series talk they would Appear in my dream, causing me to have distress while I was in the dream I usually like the show, but this case it was causing me some mayhem as I was trying to sleeve it was a bit aggravating. Might I suggest if you wanna fall asleep or something that would be music as this was not how I wanted to wake up in the morning…….again!   That being said, I ended up going upstairs and I finally had a muffin a nice refreshing muffin after a week of just eating Yoghurt or junk food in the morning to sustain me until lunch in other words for breakfast I do not like having to go and use junk food or yoghurt to feed myself in the morning. I like my muffins and I like them hearty and sweet but sometimes you are kind of screwed over, especially in the holiday season when you are kind of actually trying to save money and stuff like that it’s kind of aggravating to be honest with you and speaking of aggravation. I am kind of aggravated with the human race if you’re wondering why I say human race I’m talking about the fact that I am a starseed!    A  starseed is a person who is soul came from another star system in this case with me is Polaris!    So that being said I don’t understand this fucking race , humans, and what they fucking do!

I was wanting Patrick, but David on YouTube. It was just a fluke that I was on YouTube and I saw this house of terrors that being said I watched it was became quite annoyed that these jerk who do horrible things are not put to death!    I don’t get this shit to not kill some one who is pure demonic evil!  That being said  I tried not to think of demons as I more of a nature person and not a demon and heaven and hell!  Those ideas I think are man made that being said I like to see things that god actually created!  So I try not tho think of evil, and demonic shit!   But in this case with this one video I must say that there is even evil and negativity even in nature watch makes me sad and enraged!      It’s not like it’s not the easiest thing to do the right thing and get rid of these demonic people but instead some people decide no life in prison instead whic pisses me off! This is because of my polarized thinking or maybe it’s just the way I am. I don’t know. I just don’t like when people do horrible things and get away with it. In other words they go with their lives and they don’t do anything about it or they don’t redeem themselves I was kind of enraging to be honest if they don’t get some kind of punishment!  

That being said said I recommend the Patrick Bet David  padcast and valuetainment to learn about humans!  That being said I am still baffled at how dumb people are to hurt others like the couple featured in that video!   I mean common just….. do something !    Now I am so angry I am thinking out of my ass!   But as far as I am concerned I like the Patrick bet David!  That being said I think he has a fantastic look on this planet!  He has nice merch that says that the future is bright but I cannot afford it  and so I diy it to me one day and write on a t-shirt that says the future is bright to say that I like his shows!

Write now I am watching disenchanted that being said …..I will not be watching cobra Kai for the next while as I was disturbed that I left it on  in the middle of the fucking night as a sleep!  This is not the first time this happened!  So I got to learn like some people in the human race that I should learn from my mistakes!   Well at least my mistake mildly tick people off! And not the irredeemable crap that people do to each other!   Annoyed!

December 29, 2024 early am

 One persons can be called crazy 

For their observations on society 
When other people conform to 
It 
At the risk of selling their souls

There was another time when we almost kissed since moving in with rannie, that was one of the saddest days in rannie's life the day when her brother had passed way!  He died by suicide because of bullying issues in the fucking school system. She is 25, and yet her bother was just five years younger!   He was in the catholic school system for effed up reason.   The reason I effed up was that rannie's mom was not right in the head, and split decided do things to mess with her kids heads!  And why you might ask was bot her and her brother were products of two different violent crimes which both time their mother survived and made it her kids problem!  I am pretty sure the are woman who have gone through much worse and were not as abusive but in this case of her mother, no she was! She told he how she would help hear younger brother and  that she was also not well.   She was 5 years clean of any crack! A street drug.   That being said she grew to be weary of people after being clean but yet wanted to help in anyway  so she would soon become the voice of the dead, those who did not make to tell there stories!

But this was disturbing to her as her brother Barry was very important to her.  She would stand up for him when she could not stand up for her self!   A lot of horrid things happened to rannie and her brother but they grew closer as friends not just as relatives!  He was just going to go in a band and was a gifted musician when he died at age 20!   That being said it was said that this type of death was not an event but a constellation of events, and she would have helped him more by any which way possible.    

"With out him," she gasped.   "I don't have anyone!"

"But you have me," I said.  "I will be your person!"

As she went to hug me I saw the cutting scars on her wrists!  This was the same thing  I thought like brother like sister..... and I had to help her the best way I got.   By being there for her! She hugged me and we fell on the couch and then we looked at eachother in the eyes!  She came alittle to close to me and asked me why I was pushing her away!  I had no answer and the time as she was my best friend.   I did not want to ruin that.   So she tried again!  She was talking to me and her lips were touching mine.  

I did not know what to make of this  but she was indeed looking for a companion!  That was what I thought, until she said that she was also looking for love but was too afraid of men.  Then admitted that she disliked men for what they turned her mother into. 

I would have said that we almost kissed but I was running my fingers through her hair again and caressing her face.  She kissed me tenderly on the lips and the a little deeper!   I  went kissed her back.   She did not reject the kiss.   I felt this was just a spur of the moment but I saw the way she looked at me.   She was In love with me.   As I held her in my arms I fell asleep  and so did she.    I wanted to believe that this wasn't out of grief but people do silly things when they are grieving!     The next morning she got on top of me and kissed me tenderly.  I felt the kiss and wanted to kiss her back but I was still half asleep.  It was not until she said that she loved me that she woke me up!

"Good morning rannie," I said.   "How are you this morning!"

"Ok!"  She said.   "But you are my person  and yes, I do love you." 

"Did you just say that!" I asked.  

She answered with a gentle but deep kiss.  She was in definitely in love with me!  She kissed me again this time I could feel the tears coming down her cheeks as she wanted to tell me something.  What I did not I did not know for certain!

Then......

"Can I tell you something," she asked.  

"What!" I said.  

"You're the only one who loved or loves me now!"  She said. "I just wanted to tell you that!"  

My hearts started to flutter at the thought of those word that I was the one  who loved her the most!  Then she went on to tell me that her teaching doctor, also female was in love with her but got creeped out by hear being in the morgue all the time! 

"Who was this teaching doctor," I asked.

"Her name was Dana!"  She went on to tell me.   "She was teaching me gross anatomy.  We fell in love  and she then up and became an embalmer at a funeral home as she wanted to get away from me! 

"There was something about being with a former junkie that caused her to go nuts and have to quit!  She after a series of letters did not answer mine back!   She promised that she was going to marry me but the pan just ghosted me.  She was my first love. "

"What was her problem,"  I asked.   

"I think she was just in the relationship for the sex and was a  bit dark triad!"  She said.  

"Oh my fucking god!"  I said.  " really!"

"Why else would she ghost me for no reason!"  She said.

"Wow!"   I said. " do you have her address!"

"Yes!"   She said. "Why?"

"Just because!"

I looked up the address on Facebook and saw the name Dana Ray there!  She was  suppose to be I engaged with get this  a guy!  She was an embalmer at a funeral home.... I hate these types of people to pretend to be something the're not and break someone's heart.  This was the one t of her sorrow not just her brother!  I started to wonder about this Dana chick!  She did not seem right in the head.  A master mani she was!

"She shouldn't have done this!"  I said.  "But at least  you have me, please tell me you did not make love to her!"

"Ummmmmm....." rannie said. "I did. Even told her I loved her. That freaked the shit out of her!"

"Heartless!"  Then to rub my head I disbelief as this horrible person did not deserve to be with rannie!  It was kind of assigning! So I wrote this Dana woman a letter saying that  rannie was ok!  But for a few days did not get anything!  Then one day she  send me a letter

Who is this,

Who writes letters anymore for that matter!   That being said I never thought about rannie since being with Roy! Tell me is she ok

Dana!

Ps. I miss rannie but I now have a fiancè and a child coming soon!  I did not want to put that in jeopardy as I am still in love with her but I cannot make love to her!  I wish I could be more true to her and my self instead of telling this big lie!   Tell rannie to write to me if she wants!  I love her with all my DNA!

As I read this I was shaken up but her wording   I could not believe that this woman would rather tell a big lie that was marrying this idiot and  not being someone who really loved her!  What was going on with this woman.  So I asked her if she was red to read from Dana's letters!  

"Yes!" She said meekly like a school girl!  "I do! And I want to write to her as well!"

"Ok" I said.  That was when she retreated to her bedroom and start what sounded like crying!   It broke my heart to hear this! The she came back out and asked me to send this letter to Dana!  I took the letter and  then read it on my way to the post office!  As I read it ......

Dana

Do you really love me still and do you really miss me!  I want to know why you choose a family built on lies when we could have been together.  I love you always will and I want to know why you did not even at least introduce me to me!  All I want is to be with you....but you say you were creeped out by me!  Please respond this time........

Rannie!

Ps. I still love you with all my DNA!

I wanted to rid my self of this letter but she spent  a half an hour writing this! That being said.  I went to the post office and asked them to tape up the envelope and send it to this Dana woman!   To be completely honest I did not think anything more of this but sad and desperate words of some who is missing there family member at the same times as grieving over a relationship!

Why did I have to send that letter??!!   

When I woke up I saw that rannie was reading something it looked like a letter! 

"Is that from Dana?" I asked!

"Yes it," she said almost sobbing!   "Take a look!"

I red the damn letter I should have said effing but anywho I read the thing

Randoldie 

How are you, my love and my life!

I want to see you at my place at some point!  To feel your gentle kisses and love bites as you bite my bottom lip!  I want us to happen just one more time as I might end up on your table after my child is born!   I have been diagnosed with with a rare form of brain cancer!  I wish to spend this time with you before I am hairless and ugly and worse.....dead.   I hope you can forgive me for what I have done in the past......it wasn't me.  It was the tumour that was causing me to act the way I did.  I just want to be with you for maybe the last time......

Dana Ray!

Ps. No mater what you think of me I am still in love with you!"

The letter had the address of Dana Ray  as in her home and work! It was the same address.  I secretly wrote it down but I did not think to use it to track her down!   When I did not see her at her usuals I know that something was up.....what the fuck! I walked the long walk to Dana's place and as I was going up to track rannie I heard Rannie and Dana!

"Rannie my love....." Dana said.  " I wanted to make love to you sweetly and passionately as we did after class!"  

"I want nothing less," rannie said.  "Just kiss me!" 

" i just wanted you to know that I still love and have feelings for you!" Dana the red headed bitch said!   "Let me make make love to you!"

I was afraid to look in the direction of the embalming room, there I saw what I thought was unholy to any religion!  They were making love in the embalming room room.  I wanted to vomit.  To be honest I was starting to said with Renee on this, once a freak always a freak!  But apart of me wanted to stand up for my relationship with her.   I snuck in and surprised Dana in the middle of doing her thing!  As I went to  confront her.  I was shocked at how cold she acted towards me.  I wanted to get her fiancé involved with this.    I was livid at this point.  

"What is your fiancé doing right now," I asked.

"He upstairs and doesn't know!"   Dana said.  "He knows about my condition but doesn't know much about my past!" 

"Well he will now!" I said. "Shithead!"

I ran up  the stars screaming the name Roy!   When an unassuming yet friendly looking man popped his head I told assumed it was him.  That was when I told him!  That friendly looking man popped turn angered and hateful but the time I was done talking to him.  I talk rannie out before it got even uglier.  Let's just say that Roy had a temper!  And we did not need to see it.   That was the last we heard of Dana and her drama from then on.  That being, looking at my cheating girlfriend and wanting to for give her was what was on my mind!  As I wanted to show her that love was supposed to be not hidden!  As soon as I got her home I put on the news.... The local news!  The news anchor went to the same place that we were at and then the said that there was a murder if a middle aged red head named Dana Ray who was killed by her enraged fiancé!  That was all the told about the situation!  I was ready to turn of the tv and thank god that he did not find rannie!  He could have killed her too.     

That was the defining moment in our relationship.   Was Dana setting up rannie to be killed to.   I did not know, nor did I want to know...... 

Somethings are better left unknown!  That was the last I heard of the Dana! What I was hoping was that she would not do this again!  

I asked her if she had any other lovers!  

She said no!

"I did not know that Dana was going to do this to me, get me killed along side her!"  She started to sob!  That was also a definning moment in her life too!  Never trust an ex!  No matter what!  When she came to that realization she started looking at me as if Dana. Wasn't even around to begin with!  I was still afraid of Roy and if he was going to come after her next!  I had a rule of thumb when it came to haters.... Give a weak if the pay dont show then don't bother to much about then !  And that was what just happened in the first place!  I wanted to see the fact that sooner or later that he was going to be in prison for his fiancé's murder.    And let me tell you you the last time I had the news on it was about his arrest!  He wasn't going to bother us or anyone else!   

But still I had to worry about the whole thing!  So I followed it on YouTube as the court trail when on!  It was going to take another month to find him guilty of murder of Dana Ray!    Not that I cared about her....it rannie who I cared for!  When we finally breathed a sigh of relief I was able to put my arm around her again!   That being said ..... I was not happy to be see what I saw but at least it wasn't her murder too!  

Was Dana up to something in the first place that would have ended in this obscenity......yes I cold heartedly think so!  And you are wondering why I said obscenity will that will be for another time maybe Halloween.....that bad?  Yes!   I wanted to go on with the future of this relationship!  I did not care to much for Dana  and the bull she pulled on us!  When I was able to ignore the images in my mind I was satisfied that I can go one with my life and love life!  But I went and disposed of the letters right away and that is the honest truth!

That night when I could close my eyes I was about to finally sleep and not feel like I am on 10 cans of monster or what ever else energy drink that they come up with!  All I know was that I sleep well and sleep like a log!  If you wanted to know what I dreamt of will I did not know think of anything but my sweet rannie!  I wanted to show her that I loved her no matter what!   But I did not know how she was going to react!  She been through the wringer since meeting me!

The next morning she woke me up eagerly to tell me that she loved me!  What a relief it was to hear that!  I wanted to hear that she wasn't going to do that again but also I wanted to hold her in my arms.   When I kissed her I told her that I did not want to hear the name Dana ever again!  She promised me that.  But weather she lives up to that I did not know..... I was still paranoid about letters in the mail at this point and time.  What was going to happen next I did not know for certain!   All I know was that she sold her body to both men and women to support her habit at one point  and then her education!  I did not know why she meet along the way of meet me!  Who else did she hide from me!  It was not until I saw my future boss! A Gillian Lots that I sound that she recognized my girl friend too!  But I did not want to hear it!  This woman was the chief medical examiner in this county!  Was she one of rannie's lovers and/or clients!   The thought troubled me quite a-bit!  When I asked what was going on in her past, a past that should have been dead she finally to me the awful truth!  She was still in love with her too..... I was wanting to know for how long! 

And so I asked, "how long have you been with her!"

"For most of her career,"She said.  "But she actually loved me at the time and would anything to once feed my habit and then when I got  clean she  payed for my education!   She was one of a kind and a loving woman!"

I ..... I could not see this happening again.   But I had wait this out too!     This woman I was going to work for with rannie and she was in love with the boss!  It was kind of fucked up.   But I knew it was worth it! 

That was an excerpt of my progresss on my novel that in progress write now!

That being said I learned that I hate, absolutely hate trance music. I don’t know what got into me to listen to that shit but I couldn’t stand it for the best of me. I’m gonna be changing  song on after this damn post As this music is giving me a lot of problems I just don’t like it to be honest with you. I’d rather change it to something else, but I know that I cannot at the moment as I am riding my memoir/blog entry that being said why  did I put this song on is beyond me!  That is why I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist for a second time because I just don’t know why I do Half the dumb shit I do anyway sometimes I want even if I do have a brain at some point when it comes to my choices and music sometimes I listen to techno it sounds good. I listen to dance. It sounds good but trance!  I tried and if you like trance fine, but I Just don’t like it to be honest with you because it’s to be even if it was happy or I would rather happy core  up beat shit that will drive me insane!    They are being served. Excuse me while I go change the channel or the song on the Spotify. This is gonna drive me completely fucking bonkers!  And to make things worse was the fact  that they Put it on a country singer add on there for a country singer concert that being said that was pure torture on own as Spotify likes to torture you and you don’t have the actual Money to avoid these ads, but anyways, I’m kind of stuck with the ad so I have to grip my teeth and Barrett currently listening to electro sexual. I know that sounds a little crazy sounding, but that’s the name of the song I’d rather be listening to that than something, that’s gonna give me a pain in the ass headaches!  That being said what the fuck do people listen to and why are they no seeing psychiatrist who is beyond me because it’s kind of sad that people would listen to the worst kind of music and I wonder why they listen to this. I couldn’t put myself through this kind of torture anymore so I had a stop mid sentence and switch songs to electro sexual, which is at least a lot better sounding than this upbeat shit or this country crap that people listen to. I know I’m pissing a lot of people off right now,  but I don’t know why there is more quality music these days! 

Now I’m not trying to make you listen to the insane clown policy or any of the other stuff that I listen to, but at least have your musician to have a brain I believe that’s why I just boggled at some people. Don’t listen to the good stuff these days when I was my Time when I was about 9 to 18 years old I was able to enjoy music without hindrance. there was nothing wrong with Missy Elliott or anything for that matter or anything like the Spice Girls. This was quality music. He didn’t have to listen to very much swearing in this music if at all Nowadays, you have this   W.a.p. Don’t let me tell you what WAP stands for because it’s kind of absurd and obscene that much I can tell you involves a very vulgar medical term that you can guess on your own and yet they don’t let baby it’s cold outside anymore because it supposedly allows rape culture!

For decade, they didn’t have any problem with the baby as cold outside and tell some person I’m really sorry if I’m pissing you off but this is just my opinion. Decided to put WAP instead of baby it’s cold outside this Christmas. Yes I’m not joking they actually put Wet Something something on there and I did not like that!  Honestly, if you’re looking to wonder what WAP stands for please just figure it out on your own because I’m not gonna tell you exactly what the hell or what the fuck that actually means it’s kind of disturbing that music’s gone down the hill and we don’t have enough shrinks to help us understand why!

But I will tell you why music has gone down the hill since 2010 and it is this because of fucking money. The root of all evil I find is the fucking of love of the green stuff! And I wish I was talking about part in this case, but in this case, how many brains have to go through a lot of  scar tissue and end up having traumatic experiences from songs like WAP that being said, I really really don’t wanna say anymore about this but it’s kind of disturbing that things have gone. Hell I can’t if I’m being driven somewhere I cannot go anywhere without hearing about love sex or relationships or romance in a song For 30 minutes and it drives me fucking insane!  

What is happening to this world!  Where the stuff is not only allowed in books (which is great) but but erotica got into music (horrible and bad)! Yes, this is coming from a budding romance writer and a 35 to 36-year-old woman who’s getting fed up hearing about dirty medical terms online that really should not even be man at all!      

What the fuck is happening?! To this world!

It kind of disturbed me the way we are going down hill!  I think we are devolving and not evolving as we should ……I am mean what the fuck is goin’ on here were a fully grown 35 to 37 year old can not even listen to the music on the damn media.   And the poor children will know what a WAP is and that my friends will give me PTSD along with the annoying night mares the go with it!

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

(End of rant)